If Only In My Dreams

I've been trying not to look forward to Christmas this year. I haven't been counting down the days. Haven't done much shopping. Tried to stay away from the cheesy specials I always usually love to watch. I haven't even done so much as take a drive around the neighborhood to look at the lights. And now with it looming so close it's nearly overhead, I'm finding it's hard not to look forward to. I love Christmas, I really do. But so much of it is intertwined with family for me that the fact I won't be with mine this year just kind of put a damper on it. I didn't want to enjoy it because without them around it just didn't add up for me.

For 21 years of my 22 I have done the same thing every year at Christmas, with a couple minor adjustments along the way. The places have changed and new faces were added but it was pretty much a routine. The day would start with just the parents and grandparents. Me and my brother would open what "Santa" brought us. Then the family would start to filter in. Mom would make her special Christmas breakfast casseroles, along with cinnamon and orange rolls. Just walking past a Cinnabon is enough to bring back fond memories of Christmas past. We always did the advent reading and lit the candles. My grandpa always got to light the Christ candle. Then we would open the presents received from aunts and uncles. Family would start to filter back out about noon. Off to see the members of their other side of the family. And normally it was just the parents and grandparents again around five. We would play games, have a light dinner, listen to Christmas carols and laugh about how Grandma never could quite hit the notes. It seems strange to know this year won't be the same. Almost doesn't seem real.

My mom bought me a tree for the apartment which I didn't really want but she insisted. I put it up for her sake. I went through all my ornaments and separated mine from the rest to put on my own tree. A lot of my really old ones that my grandma made for me were no longer any good. There must have been a leak in the attic and the cloth succumbed to the mold. I put all those ornaments in a bag after turning them each over in my hands and threw them away. I laid in bed that night and I started to cry. And all of a sudden it hit me, Christmas is not about objects. It's not about things. It's not even about location. The love of Christmas is always within reach. It's as close at the heart that beats in your chest.

So I let myself start looking forward. I put up a few more decorations. Started watching a few of those cheesy Christmas specials. I even went to see some lights. And you know what, all the sudden it doesn't feel so sad anymore. I have a new Christmas plan. I work until 2 but then I'm going to go home and put on one of those stations that plays all Christmas music. I'm going to treat myself, make a nice dinner even if it is only for one. Sit by my little Christmas tree. Maybe I'll call the fam, talk to everyone for a few minutes. The I'll wrap myself up in blanket, watch "It's A Wonderful Life"for the millionth time and know that even if I'm one foot away or 1000 miles, I will be home for Christmas. If only in my heart. If only in my dreams.