I chose yesterday, January 4, to write this blog for a reason. It is a one year anniversary of a tragic day in my life. As you read on, you will see what I mean. I have changed names, but not truths. Am I a bad friend? Am I a drama queen? Once you have read this (very long) story will you tell me if I am unreasonable in ending this friendship?
Preface
"If you have come into conflict with a (psychopathic) person or persons, do the following immediately!
(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened. Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.
(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands."
ROSEANNE has been talking about me to others and I have been quiet. I have not opened up about what has transpired over the last seven months because I just wanted to cut any ties with ROSEANNE and leave everything that happened alone. She has persisted, though, in talking about me to others, and saying things that are not true. She has continued sending me instant messages and begging me to talk with her on the phone. I am writing this piece today so you know what happened, because if you know ROSEANNE, you deserve to know this. Please keep in mind as you read on, everything I state here can be backed up with instant messages, emails, phone records and others.
Pre-Roseanne
In October of 2006, the MS started doing terrible things to me physically. My body was crashing, I was having neurological problems. I was hospitalized four times in two months. I had to use a wheelchair, could barely keep my balance, and my doctor even wanted me to get a power wheelchair. And I lived alone.
Along about the same time, my landlady (the daughter of my original landlord who passed away) was evicting me in order to condemn the house I lived in. Really, she had a very good point. It was disgusting, rat infested, electrical problems, etc., but it was a roof over my head. I was stressed by the challenge of this move because I was so sick I couldn't even drive anymore. I was having no luck finding a new place to live. It was a terrible time.
Speaking of time, it was running out. I had about two weeks before needing to move when a "friend" in the next town said I could come live with her. We discussed what rent I would pay, etc. It would work well for both of us. I'd known her for about a year. She is old enough to be my mother. She was a nice gal. It was set that I would be moving to her house by about Dec 28th.
Glenda called me on the morning of Dec 27th. she told me she had given it some more thought and felt it would not work for me to move there after all. 24 hours notice she gave me. Did I tell you my doctor had said I could not live alone anymore because of how sick I was? I was in quite the bind. I called my doctor's office and told Roger, the manager, what was happening, that I would be homeless in 24 hours. He called Adult Protective Services for my county. They called my landlady and got a week's extension for me to stay at the house.
Meanwhile, I was making calls to board and care facilities, per my doctor's instructions. APS was also looking for a place for me. I talked at length with Billy, from APS. I told him one HUGE issue about not moving in with my friend and suddenly having to go somewhere else was that I only had about $40. Not enough to pay for a place to live, especially a board and care. Billy, who was Asian and spoke with a heavy accent asked me when I would get my social security. I told him the THIRD WEDNESDAY of the month. I told him this repeatedly. I even said, not the THIRD of the month, no, the THIRD Wednesday. Okay.
Billy called me within a couple of days and told me he found a board and care to move me to. He had conversations with my doctor, who told him it was imperative for my health I have a place to live. I would die within days if left to struggle in a shelter environment or worse, be homeless. I was really that sick. Could hardly stand up. It was a huge relief to hear I had a place to move to. He said APS would move me to the board and care on January 3rd. I should be ready in the afternoon and I should bring my checkbook. I reminded him about when I get my check. He said okay.
In the late afternoon of January 3, Billy shows up with a van and picks me up with only a pittance of what I once owned. He drives me the 30 some miles to the board and care home. It is dark already and very cold... I think the high that day was in the low 40s. We arrive at the board and care and the woman who runs it shows me around, shows me the room I will share with someone, then we go back into the living room. Billy turns to me and says, "Take out your checkbook and write her a check for $1,000." What?? I don't have it, I told Billy. He said I told him I get my check on the third and I told him he heard me wrong. I'd told him repeatedly the third Wednesday.
Ohhhh.... the woman turns to me and tells me I can't stay there then. We go back out to the van. It's freezing. Billy is on the cell phone but I can't hear what he is saying. He screwed up. Not me. I could not have been more clear to him. It wasn't my fault he doesn't understand English or just flat out doesn't listen. Billy gets in the driver's seat and tells me the only thing he could do is put me up in a hotel for the night. He has no other options. In the morning I will be on my own. No home. No where to go. Maybe a shelter. But my mere pittance of belongings I brought with me from what used to be my life, I will lose. Speaking of my life, my doctor told Billy I would be dead within 24 hours. I was seriously ill. Billy doesn't care. Doesn't apologize. Takes me to a motel and pays for one night, then tells me he'll be back at 10am to make sure I have checked out. With no place to go.
I started making calls. Who should I call? Who can I call? It was no use to call my family members. They were not dealing well with how sick I was... their responses to me struggling to find a place to live was "something will come up, we'll pray for you." They also blamed me for waiting until the last minute and turning this situation into a crisis. Did they not hear me when I said everything was set to move to my friends? That SHE changed her mind at the last minute and I had NOT created this crisis for myself? No matter, they still blamed me.
I sat in the hotel room and realized I was facing something I had never faced before. I've suffered from depression and dealt with that. I know things do get better. So that night as I sat in the hotel room, I was not depressed in any way. What I felt was worse, deeper, darker. I had lost all HOPE. No hope. No light at the end of the tunnel. I had tried everything I could think of. I was not asking anyone for a free ride, wasn't asking for any hand outs. I did everything right... didn't I? Yet here I was. In about 12 hours there would be a knock on my door and I would be kicked to the curb. I didn't even question what I had done to deserve this. I didn't think "that's not fair." None of that mattered. Nothing was going to change by morning. I thought, prayed, looked for something, anything, but there was no hope. The temps the next day were only supposed to get up to the 30s. Damn cold. Die in the streets? What will happen to me before my death, on the streets? Is there ANY solution?
No solution. No hope. Adult Protective Services was kicking me to the curb because their Asian man did not listen to what I clearly told him. There was NOTHING.
I got up the next morning and still tried to think of who I could call, what I could work out, etc. Dead ends. No light. Nothing. As sick as I was, I made a decision. There was only one way out. I may die, but I refused to die on the streets in freezing weather. I forced myself to walk to a nearby pharmacy where I bought razor blades. I came back to the hotel and wrote a couple of notes to relatives. I wrote a "do not resuscitate" order. By now, it was a little bit after 9am (and it was Thursday, the 4th)... Billy would be there by 10. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was Billy and a co-worker... early. I told them I needed a few more minutes, asked them to give me half an hour. They were pissed. I didn't care. I locked the door with the deadbolt and chain. I took the razor blades into the bathroom where I sat down, fully clothed, in the shower stall. I didn't want to make a mess. You are probably thinking you know what I did, eh? You think I cut my wrists. When I tell you I had lost all hope, I really had. And when I say there was NO way I was going to die on the streets, I meant it. I took a razor blade and cut the large veins running down the back of my forearms. filleted them... I cut deeply and it did not hurt. Both arms. And the wrists for good measure. There were no hesitation marks. The cuts were not superficial. I was not crying wolf. It seemed like it was only a minute or so when I felt myself drifting away. It felt good. Thank God. Thank God
Then I woke up. I was in a hospital in intensive care. I was on a ventilator. It felt like it was suffocating me. I was awake only long enough to realize I hadn't died and feel tears sting my eyes. I was out again. I finally came to Saturday morning. (when Billy came back to the hotel room and I didn't answer the locked door, the police were called and they broke the door in).
I was alive. In the hospital. My arms were heavily bandaged and the left arm had a brace in the wrapping because I'd cut a tendon and nerves. The nurse came in and talked with me after I was taken off the ventilator. "You really meant business, didn't you?" she asked. Yes I did. She told me they almost lost me. "You died twice, Kathleen. You lost every ounce of blood in your body. You had 6 units of blood transfused. You were in a coma. We didn't know if you would come out of it and if you did whether you'd be a vegetable or what. We really didn't know if you would make it."
Three of my sisters came to see me later in the day. No one had come to see me since I arrived there Thursday morning. I don't remember much of their visit with me. I didn't know how terrible I looked. Didn't realize they'd put the IV in a vein in my neck because they couldn't put it in an arm. I slept alot and felt sick. I stayed in the ICU until the following Tuesday when the doctor felt I was strong enough to move to another hospital. The fevers were gone and they were giving me meds for the anemia.
The "other" hospital was, as you can imagine, a psychiatric hospital. I was sent there to be evaluated and watched for signs of depression and to give me more time to heal while a social worker (not to be confused with APS) found a place for me to live. I stayed for two weeks. The evaluation confirmed just what I shared earlier. I was not depressed. I had lost all hope. I wasn't sad, they could see that. I participated in the groups and such when I wasn't sleeping from exhaustion. My doctor at this hospital said he was sure I wasn't depressed and he really understood the difference. He wanted to say I needed to stay there for two weeks to give the social worker enough time to find a home. The social worker found a gal here in Sacramento who rented rooms in houses... It was not room and board, but I would be with other people and that was most important.
"People with this (psychopath) disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so. A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way."
Friendship with Roseanne
This is where I was living when ROSEANNE and I started our friendship. We were getting close so quick... it was almost uncanny. It was unusual. It was nice. She was charming and funny and oh dear, I was just so easy for her to open up to. She confided in me about things she said she'd never been able to tell anyone. We talked on the phone for hours every day. I was the best friend she ever had. As our bond grew, one day I told her about what happened in January. The whole thing as I've just shared with you. Everything. Ohhhh she cried. Wished she had been there for me. She'd have never let that happen. How terrible. What a rotten family I have. The friendship continued to grow and I never talked about it again. And, except for one other person, I had told no one else about January.
Now it is late June. My landlady sends me an email and asks me to post it at the house. Due to financial woes she is selling the house I am living in. She is giving us plenty of notice... we don't have to be out for 90 days. She didn't want to put us in a bind. Anxious? Uh huh... stress skyrocketed. Oh no... a roof over my head. I'm not asking for a mansion, geesh. Why can't I just have a roof over my head??? Why???
ROSEANNE was concerned for me. I told her I was stressed but I had a couple of months to find something. By now she had already asked me to come to her state for a visit for one week in August. She wanted to pay to fly me out there. If that went well, maybe I would move out there. We really had a lot in common and had a lot of fun as friends. ROSEANNE said she had never felt so close to anyone and I pretty much felt the same. It would be a good thing.
Then, ROSEANNE said she thought we really should get to know each other better (and I wholeheartedly agreed), but she wanted to be there for me, and she had a good feeling about us, so instead of me coming out for a visit in August, she would drive here to get me and Nora and move us back there. We would make it work. She was excited about it and so was I. We made a lot of plans about the things we would do (gardening, landscaping, painting classes, chores I would do that she would not have to do anymore, etc...). She said she did not want rent from me and I told her it was a deal breaker. I would not think of staying there without paying my way, period.
June turns into July and then August came and went... her broken leg took longer to heal... her grandson got sick... THE MARINE was sent to Afghanistan... then his dad died... then THE MARINE got shot... and in the middle of all of this THE ROCK STAR in her life. The 90 days was up. Dozens of times in the months that had passed, she was insisting she wanted me to move there and several times I asked to be sure. I had other possibilities come up and discussed them with ROSEANNE. No, she said she wanted me out there, so I planned accordingly.
Now, 90 days are up. I have to be out of the house and ROSEANNE is not on her way. She needs two more weeks. Can't I just stay with a family member for a couple of weeks? No. I have NO HOME and have to go to a hotel and wait for ROSEANNE to arrive. She promises she is coming. She wants me there. She swears on her grandson's life.
"The psychopath Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests."
September turns into October... when I realize virtually everything has been a lie. She has lied about being in a relationship with THE ROCK STAR, and lied about THE MARINE. Said she couldn't come here yet because her grandson had to have a surgical procedure and she had to be there for him. (The day he had the procedure ROSEANNE called... she did not go after all). She lied about flying out here to get me and we'd rent a car to drive back. Lied when she said her son was coming with her to help with the driving and because he insisted she not be alone with me, a stranger she only knew over the internet... A stranger, by the way, she talked to sometimes up to 7 hours a day... every day... and if she called less than 8 times in one day, it was a slow day.
It was October 2nd when reality hit the fan for me. I had run out of money. ROSEANNE was not coming out here. The tangled web of lies was blown wide open. I had no home. The pittance of stuff I'd taken with me in January from what used to be my home? I had even less now... because ROSEANNE said I wouldn't need those things. There wouldn't be room in the car. Oh... let's not forget about Nora, my border collie and love of my life. I had turned her back over to the Border Collie Rescue. I didn't know if I would ever see her again.
Even on Oct 3, ROSEANNE was trying to convince me she was trying to work out something for me to move to her state. I'd given up on her. I was in crisis and was trying desperately to find something. Is it terrible I let ROSEANNE give me money to help pay for four nights at the hotel when I'd been there for more than two weeks waiting for her to keep her promise? She swore she wouldn't leave me stranded. No matter what, there was NO reason for me to lose HOPE... she said that to me. I didn't feel bad letting her send me $150 for the room then pay for one night on her debit card.
Meanwhile she was calling me incessantly. I was making calls and trying to find services or something... looking at ads... but I had NO MONEY to rent a room somewhere because I spent everything I had on the hotel room because ROSEANNE promised and swore she would be there. Again, she swore on her grandson's life this move was going to happen. I was screwed. And scared. And in between her phone calls to me, she is talking to other people. To my friends. Suddenly they will have nothing to do with me. She has alienated me from my sister, who she also called repeatedly. She talked to one of my closest friends and I lost that friendship. She went on the internet to the border collie rescue site and called the woman who was caring for Nora. ROSEANNE said she called Nora's caretaker because she thought of surprising me by already having Nora shipped to her before I got there. THEN... when I realized how much damage she had done and I did not want to be friends any more, she said I'd better think twice because she was the only friend I had.
The incessant phone calls throughout each day were hardly about my well being. She is calling to talk about THE ROCK STAR. About seeing him. He came over. He left her $1,000. He spent the night and got so drunk and high he was rough with her sexually and she hurt so bad she had marks all over her body and was in pain for a week. When I didn't sound angry about THE ROCKSTAR hurting her, she repeated herself and asked me if I didn't care. (I am on the verge of homelessness and she is wanting an emotional outburst because he hurt her so bad, but she made it all up). Oh, and THE MARINE got shot. Grazed by a bullet on his arm... she received a call from "his boss" in Afghanistan informing her of this, even though he didn't even miss work. I am almost homeless AGAIN and she is talking nonstop about THE MARINE, whom she told me she married, but then she didn't marry him, and no they were never engaged. I am almost hopeless AGAIN. And do I blame ROSEANNE for that? Yes I do. She told me I should not have put all my eggs in the "ROSEANNE basket... quoting what my sisters said to me after she called one of them and infuriated her. I should have made other plans just in case she didn't follow through. Why? Do people planning to move make other arrangements in case it doesn't work out? I had asked ROSEANNE several times, I begged her... if this isn't what you want you need to tell me.
"The psychopath is not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams, and is oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. The psychopath does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed."
It was October 4th... exactly 9 months after that horrible day. And I'd exhausted all resources. People weren't returning my calls. I had no money. OH MY GOD. And she had the nerve to tell me what I should be doing about my situation. She finally admitted she was not coming out here. She told me the calls I should be making, who I should be calling. I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, with no thanks to ROSEANNE, I pulled my ass out of that sling, but it was by the skin of my teeth. It was like the 11th hour when someone my last landlady knew had a landlady who might have a room for rent... thank God. Not perfect, to be sure. But it is a roof over my head and I can have Nora here. I have a bed, clothes, my computer and my dog. I have what I need. And this whole time? What has ROSEANNE been doing? Saying? Do you really want to know there is more?
Throughout what I thought was our friendship she made up outrageous stories about THE ROCK STAR and THE MARINE, wanting to go into detail about their sexual escapades... where, when, how often, etc. She would tell me she was in a constant state of stress and turmoil because she has these two men in her life and she knows she needs to choose one... then THE MARINE finds out she has slept with THE ROCK STAR... THE ROCK STAR is calling her constantly...
Only none of that was really happening. THE ROCK STAR does not know ROSEANNE exists; THE MARINE is a neighbor and his step dad did not die (one of the reasons she could not come out here as planned); and THE MARINE did not come home from Afghanistan for his dad's funeral (if he ever went to Afghanistan) so ROSEANNE did not need to be there to support him and go to the funeral and they did not go on a honeymoon, therefore she cannot throw in my face how she called me 17 times while on the honeymoon, even though the caller ID showed her home phone number as where the call originated from. She has no pictures of THE MARINE. And, when he supposedly flew home from Afghanistan for his dad's funeral, how is it his flight was less than 12 hours, when for everyone else it is a 36 hour trip? How did he get those really fast flights?
THE ROCK STAR didn't give her a 3 carat diamond tennis bracelet from Cartier's or a 5 carat diamond ring appraised at $65,000 and they did not all have DNA tests that showed THE ROCKSTAR is the father of ROSEANNE's daughter. He did not tell her to go to a boutique in a neighboring town to pick up clothes and jewelry he picked out and bought for her. He was not emailing her and showing up unexpectedly. He did not send her songs or have the rest of the band make a dvd just for her. Nor did he send a large gift basket to her and THE MARINE while on their honeymoon, figuring out where they were because she'd given the ROCKSTAR the MARINE's cell phone number and he used GPS from the phone to locate them.
She made up going out of town with THE MARINE, and secret liasons with THE ROCK STAR. The stories went on and on and on. She was having problems with a man on the internet... she went between being scared of him to hating him. Told me often how horrible he was and I can't count how many times she said he was out of her life for good. Except guess what... up until a couple of weeks ago, she was still leading the man to believe they were in a relationship. She told the internet man she wasn't seeing anyone else. Just him. THE MARINE was just a neighbor. No mention of THE ROCK STAR.
And, while this is going on, she is telling the internet man things about me... telling him I am a bitch.. she doesn't know how to get rid of me... her son had to take the phone from her and yell at me to stop calling her and she said I called her at all hours of the night. ROSEANNE would start my day with a phone call as early as 2:30 to 3am... She told the internet man she had given me more than $1500. I was a problem and she didn't know how to fix it. At the same time ... and I have phone records, emails and IM archives to back this up... ROSEANNE called me incessantly. She complained because she was always the one to call and asked many times why I didn't call her. I am her best and dearest friend she has ever had. She's never felt so close to anyone. Except for her family, she has never loved any one as much as she loves me.
Throughout the last several months, ROSEANNE has had one crisis after another. THE MARINE got rough with her one night and she was hurting for days. Then it was THE ROCK STAR... then she'd be crying because of how much she missed one of them... how insecure she felt with THE ROCK STAR... how much she hated the internet man. THE ROCK STAR was so sorry for hurting her he bought all the roses from her local florist and had them delivered to her... so many her house looked like a funeral home.
THE ROCK STAR. They had a discreet get together in November... and by then I am realizing none of this is true and I need to extricate myself. She is wearing me out. Poke me with a fork, I am done. I am telling her I can't be her friend anymore. I just can't because she can't be honest with me. If she isn't honest with me, I can't be friends. I can't trust her. She tells me she has just spent the night with THE ROCK STAR and they discussed me. She tells me THE ROCK STAR wants to help me get back on my feet financially if ROSEANNE and I continue to be friends, so if I will put a dollar figure together, I will receive a certified check. I am horrified. I tell her my friendship is not for sale and I don't want a penny. I've struggled before and I can do it now. I am disgusted.
"Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Psychopaths believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, have no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others."
Believe it or not, there is more. What I am trying to say here is that she has never been honest with me while telling me I was her best friend and how much she loved me. It was all a fantasy or I don't know what... ROSEANNE has asked me continually to be friends with her again, to love her the way I used to, to please talk with her on the phone because if I do, I'll understand. When I refuse, she gets angry and says I only wanted her friendship if she was sending me money or gifts. The instant messages I have show I have told ROSEANNE repeatedly I did not want money or anything from her but her friendship, in fact she told me I said this so often I sounded like a broken record.
"When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises."
ROSEANNE says she can't understand why we can't just leave what happened in the past and move on as friends. She has always loved me and she has been a very good friend to me. I say no but she does not let up. I ask her directly why she wants me to be her friend when she has cursed me out and told me if I were in front of her she would kill me. She cannot give one reason she wants me to be her friend and says if I would have let her she would have made a good friend to me. She says she loves me and doesn't understand why I suddenly hate her, which I don't. She accused me of being manipulated by the internet man into disliking her and turning him against her so I can have him for myself because he has money and that's all I want from anyone. She tells me one day I will be all alone and she will be the one by my side.
She blew my life up and knew what she was doing. I begged her to be honest with me and then we could be friends. She told me she had not lied to me. Little by little she admitted lies here and there, but told me she must have been doped up when she said some of those things. She tells me she did not lie to me as much as I think she did. I wonder how many lies are okay. More of what she told me throughout our friendship was not true than was. It hurt beyond words to discover this. I loved ROSEANNE to pieces. I wanted to trust her and believe her. There was no reason for her to be anything but honest with me.
The emails and archived IMs I mentioned, were saved because I'm sentimental and this friendship was precious to me. It was never meant to be anything but a kind of diary of our journey as friends, a journey I thought we would be on forever when I thought it was real.
Oh.... and by the way.... I did not contact ONE internet friend during either crisis. Didn't ask for ANY kind of help from any of them. I'd have died before I asked for a dime from anyone. And now you know that to be true. I'd have died first. I did twice.
Well, we all like things for free. We even enjoy the crappy tunes that iTunes gives us every week. We may occasionally get some good songs from iTunes, but mostly they're ones to put in the trash. Anyway, I found some great sources for FREE music. Just like iTunes, some are hits and some are misses. But you might find something you like.
